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I have moved over to wordpress. You can find me at sober suits me

Day Five

Day 5. I have made it through the first weekend without drinking. Threw some camping in with that along with a side of relationship angst. I didn't drink. I did find myself very cranky and quick to anger. A feeling of malaise and just blah. I got a bit manic about cleaning the house and the dog following me around was just too much. 


While hiking this weekend, my mantra in my head as each foot fell, was "sober suits me, sober suits me, this thing now, this thing now." Over and over. 
The way that drinking was always on my brain, I feel like being sober is now always on my brain. It feels just as obsessive and I am not sure if that is okay. But I didn't drink. 
I have got some drinks that I go to. Trader Joes has this nice sparkling water called Spindrift. I think it is called that. It is lovely, raspberries and lime. I also have my own soda maker, so bought some cranberry juice and am going to give that a try.
I listened to Belles one minute podcasts and they are are fabulous. Listened to the book twice. I am really feeling her help. 

sober suits me.

Day Three

day 3 is ahead of me. day 2 is under the belt. i made it through. i am feeling okay. i spent most of my day listening to belle. if you haven't heard of belle and you are struggling or just thinking about quitting or as the title of her blog states, tired of thinking about drinking, go. go now. i listen nearly every minute of the day to her book and mini podcasts. go. if you don't think aa is for you and you just don't know what to do, go. go now. 

this day 3 that is ahead for me is not my first day 3. i have had many day threes. too many and i am sick of it. starting last january i went 173 days until july 9th. july 9th had me in europe visiting family and there was a huge lovely party. i thought, just here. just here and then when i get home i will go back to sober. if i learned one thing it is once i have been sober for any length of time and i go back to drinking it gets worse. not worse, just different. more secret. secrets aren't good for anybody. especially those little lies i tell myself. "you don't have a problem." "it's summer, white wine is fine in summer." "everyone has a bottle of wine a night in the summer." "this won't kill me." 

it is all bullshit. those lies. belle calls it "wolfie". i think i will to. 

i made it through day 2. my night sleep was horrible though. sweaty and detoxy. i coped by drinking sparkling water with real mashed up fruit. drinking loads of water. eating a bit more protein and listening to belle. i called a friend and helped her with her problems. my parents popped in. i painted. i started this blog. i met with a client. i worked. i listened all day to belle's voice in my headphones. telling me i am a "sober rockstar". when i was driving back my a meeting with my client, i started the talk about drinking that i do. "stop in the store, grab groceries. could just grab a little thing of wine. no one will need to know." but i went straight home. i was a bit pissed about it. pissed that i am not normal. who else has this problem? such a loser. what a drunk! the self talk is awful. but i didn't drink. i went home grabbed my dog and took him to the dog park to run. i listened to belle. i talked to people about their dogs. i did not drink. no one really knows about the level of my drinking. my husband had / has concerns. if others do know about my drinking they don't say it.

today, camping is in on the agenda. just for the evening. with my husband and our dog. i might typically drink on a camping trip or hide that i am drinking. sneaking sips from a small box or five in my bag. as belle says and i am going to say, "wolfie, I am onto your shit. no. not today."

sober suits me.

Day Two 

Yesterday morning, on my day one, before walking my dog I knew I was going to need help. The mornings started at about 4am with me waking up - saying today this is it. i have to stop this. (right now i have decided to stop trying to be perfect and make sure my grammar is correct). so i am just going to type. type to save myself. 

anyway, yesterday morning, i knew i was going to need help. i love podcasts and i did a search on my podcast app for sober something or other. and up came "belle's one minute messages-tired of thinking about drinking". i downloaded all fifty of them. i set out on my walk and started to listen. her voice is like a soothing ocean. she tells it like she lives it. walking and listening was like putting aloe on a sunburn. it took the sting away for that moment.

i kept listening and walking. listening and walking. then she said this in episode omm108 sobriety suits you, "being sober suits you. nobody needs to drink. things get better. being sober suits you. keep doing this thing." i lost it right there. i continued to walk with those words in my head, crying. a lump so big that I thought i might just drop to my knees. "being sober suits you. keep doing this thing." even now writing those words they strike a cord within me and move me to tears. 

when i got back from my walk, I went online and bought belle's book, "Tired of Thinking About Drinking-Take My 100 Day Sober Challenge." I listened to the introduction on my drive into work and i listened three or four more times to the 50 one minute messages again. i kept saying to myself "sober suits you". "sober suits you." "sober suits you" "keep doing this thing". i am ready. 

i write here to keep me on track. sober suits me. i keep saying it. i will keep on saying it. For 100 days. for this moment. right now. keep doing this thing. 

and when 6pm comes around, i am going to keep doing this thing.

sober suits me.