Day Three

day 3 is ahead of me. day 2 is under the belt. i made it through. i am feeling okay. i spent most of my day listening to belle. if you haven't heard of belle and you are struggling or just thinking about quitting or as the title of her blog states, tired of thinking about drinking, go. go now. i listen nearly every minute of the day to her book and mini podcasts. go. if you don't think aa is for you and you just don't know what to do, go. go now. 

this day 3 that is ahead for me is not my first day 3. i have had many day threes. too many and i am sick of it. starting last january i went 173 days until july 9th. july 9th had me in europe visiting family and there was a huge lovely party. i thought, just here. just here and then when i get home i will go back to sober. if i learned one thing it is once i have been sober for any length of time and i go back to drinking it gets worse. not worse, just different. more secret. secrets aren't good for anybody. especially those little lies i tell myself. "you don't have a problem." "it's summer, white wine is fine in summer." "everyone has a bottle of wine a night in the summer." "this won't kill me." 

it is all bullshit. those lies. belle calls it "wolfie". i think i will to. 

i made it through day 2. my night sleep was horrible though. sweaty and detoxy. i coped by drinking sparkling water with real mashed up fruit. drinking loads of water. eating a bit more protein and listening to belle. i called a friend and helped her with her problems. my parents popped in. i painted. i started this blog. i met with a client. i worked. i listened all day to belle's voice in my headphones. telling me i am a "sober rockstar". when i was driving back my a meeting with my client, i started the talk about drinking that i do. "stop in the store, grab groceries. could just grab a little thing of wine. no one will need to know." but i went straight home. i was a bit pissed about it. pissed that i am not normal. who else has this problem? such a loser. what a drunk! the self talk is awful. but i didn't drink. i went home grabbed my dog and took him to the dog park to run. i listened to belle. i talked to people about their dogs. i did not drink. no one really knows about the level of my drinking. my husband had / has concerns. if others do know about my drinking they don't say it.

today, camping is in on the agenda. just for the evening. with my husband and our dog. i might typically drink on a camping trip or hide that i am drinking. sneaking sips from a small box or five in my bag. as belle says and i am going to say, "wolfie, I am onto your shit. no. not today."

sober suits me.